Reading and reading is all I do. I’m reading about how to be a father. I’m reading about how to be a man. Life is funny, it can be straight, then upside down, then right side up. Auntie sat me down and we talked about my pains, my loss, my regrets, my angst, my fears, and—my hopes.
I have always loved JuJu, but I didn’t want to touch her for fear of losing her. Then I touched her, and she became pregnant. Now I stand before this mirror each morning, staring at an image of a man that I’m beginning to understand. And yet, my self hatred only finds a fear that speaks to my subconscious stating, “you’re just another black statistic waiting to occur”.
I’m so afraid of this new human being growing inside Jule’s womb that I don’t know what to do or to say. I’m so happy of this new human being that is growing insider Jules womb that I want to change and become the essence of the “god” that has been buried so deep inside my spirit. I feel as though I’m part of two pregnancies. One a literal pregnancy of my child and another a spiritual pregnancy of myself.
Two pregnancies that in God’s ultimate glory gives birth to two new spirits. The physical birth, and the spiritual rebirth.
Jule’s grandmother doesn’t treat me with the same respect that she once did. Her and Auntie’s relationship has been strained since the news became official. Her grandmother doesn’t think we’re on the same playing field. She sees Jules as having a good future, and as a person that has a good mind. She looks at me as a grunt. A lowly black boi that doesn’t understand words in fancy books. This disappoints me, because I know the man that is trapped inside of me. I have goals, I have motivation, I have gifts; I just haven’t quite mastered the technique of harnessing my full potential due to a lack of ambition.
Jules’ doctor told us the child is well. At this moment, Jules is 5 months pregnant. We have discussed rings and other things, but ultimately we’ve decided for the moment to not be married. We both agreed that we rushed sex, why be foolish and rush marriage. I want to marry this woman, but all things shall come in due time.
Each doctor’s appointment I feel a sense of love, a growing sense of responsibility, and an undeniable love for a child that I can’t wait to meet. There is one truth that each day I have grown to accept.
This truth— five months pregnant doesn’t add up. Five months ago, I still hadn’t touched her.
I feel like Jules might’ve stepped out on me… But—like a fool, I still love her and I’m still falling in love with this child.
“Yea baby, what is it?”
“Carlos, the doctor called about the ultrasound… It’s a Boy!”
Author, Sam Blakemore, September 21, 2017